When getting out of bed is considered a victory,
I guess reaching deadlines is a bit of a far-fetched goal.

I’m coming to find you
If it takes me all night
Wrong until you make it right ~

Today I didn’t press the snooze button.

Stayed in bed 45′ after waking up, but still a progress.

I took a shower, and came to the office.

p.s I regret that last part though

On this crazy road to healing, I realised it’s ok to be brokenhearted.
And it’s ok not to be cool with the situation that made you as such.

It’s ok to be angry.
It’s ok to be sad.
It’s ok to be disappointed.

It’s ok to be everything, all at once.

“I’m not ok” becomes boring after a while.

So, you change it, you say “I’m bored”. Then, you say “I’m ill”.
Then you make it sound vague, “Sorry I left early, I was not feeling well”, so no one can tell if you had a stomach ache or if your brain was screaming “get me out of this place, everything smells like alcohol and sadness”.

“Your friends will always just be on your way
~Trust me, they’ll die or leave you either way”

Looking at all my active contacts on the messenger app, all my close friends, all my acquaintances, all the people I sometimes randomly speak to, I cannot seem to find anyone who would like to listen to me rant about how “dumb and empty” everything is.

Truth is, I don’t even want to do that.
Truth is, I don’t even know what I want.

“And I’m just getting started, let me offend
The devil’s got nothing on me my friend
All I want is to be left alone
Tact from me is like blood from a stone”

~ Everything is dumb and empty

p.s. optimism had some errands to run, will be back soonish.

I am experiencing some kind of music confusion.
I cannot decide what I want to listen to, and based entirely on previous facts and acquired knowledge, there is a need for me to admit that this could be a good thing.

Music has always been an essential part of my depression.
It is very clear that, the deeper I am into the darkness pit, my music choices go accordingly. I also tend to share a lot more, with friends or generally on the internets, mostly because when words fail (and they so often do during these times), music can do the talking for you.

Lyrics speak to your soul as though they were specifically written for you, personally (which is a terrible, terrible lie and a tendency to live life as if it was a movie and it’s not anywhere near helping the situation).

So, when all this goes away, you are left with the music that is easy for your ear. You keep your favourites, forget about the rest, add new kinds to the list. You still like listening to some of them, but you don’t depend on them.

Right now, I don’t know what exactly is happening.
My “good” playlists are irritating, my “bad” ones are insufferable.
Nothing will suffice.

“Everything is dumb and empty”, I keep repeating.

Maybe music as well.

Or maybe it’s just an in-between step, a small landing between the ladders that go Up.

My body manifests its dissatisfaction with my current mood in the form of slow decay.
I haven’t been ill for ages, yet, here I am during the very first good days of the year crawling around with mountains of used tissues in my pockets.

I know it’s me, because the timing is right.
I also know it’s me because I’ve been through this before.
The dry throat, the swollen tonsils. I’m not a fan of the term “psychosomatic”.
However I know, that when the soul is tired, the body follows.
I’m waiting for a cold sore, to add to the party.

It’s fine, I will get through this. And it’s funny if you think about it.
My body is mad with my brain. Or maybe it is that it sympathises?
Who knows.

For the moment, meds are my friends.
Vitamins and cold and flu recipes have always been there for me in times of great discomfort.

I just wish I don’t miss any sunny days because of this shit.

The sun is setting at UCL’s main quad.
One of the first days of spring in this noisy city is coming to an end.

Sitting on Portico’s stairs, the building pride of the whole university, looking at people smoking and chatting and looking at their screens, I wish I had my book so I could sit here and read until the sun goes down for the day.