“So, should I call you Alex now?” he asked, in a sceptical yet intrigued frown.
“Yes p-lease” I said eagerly.
“Okay then, Alex. Take care of yourself. It won’t be easy, but it will pass. Come and see me.”

I thanked him, and we hugged.

It was a fatherly hug. One I’ll never forget.

—

Life is ironic.
And unexpected.
And most of the times, in a bad way.

I’m so, so, so sorry.

And it sucks.

And I’m running out of words again.

my heart is an exploding sun
shuttering into millions of
burning pulses,
outshining galaxies –
causing waves that disturb
The universe.

People may say that
Because my life is hard
And complicated
And kind of crazy really –

I needed someone.
To trust
To keep
To love
To give attention to

It could be anyone
And it would just be the same

But I didn’t want someone.
I didn’t want anyone –
I wanted you.

And your smile
And your brain
And your hair
And your eyes
And your thoughts
And your weird
And your smart
And your crazy
And your hands
And your eyebrows
And your accent
And your witty
And the way you say “sweater” and my heart melts
And your laugh
And your whining
And your hips
And your rants

And your heart.
And your attention.
And your love.

All
And
Everything
You.

_exhales_

Once, I said
“I’m not brave when it comes to losing people.”
And she answered
“Being okay with losing people is weird, it’s not brave. What you’re feeling, is being human.”

I wish I could be a bit less human right now.

Weird.

Brave.

Just

Not

Human

Like

This.

It’s your punishment, you know.
Missing you, remembering you – but only when I’m sad.
Nobody wants that. It’s kind of a fair punishment, I guess.
For both of us.

21, January, 2014
10, January, 2018

i don’t know how to shout

how much i miss you

without disturbing

your quiet –

christmas is over
and it’s fuckin cold outside –
i guess winter sucks more
when you run out of
heart-warmings

the things that are
so beautiful
it aches –
end up
aching
more than
their beauty