i woke up today thinking i should cut my hair.

last time i got a haircut you gave me the first butterflies, and then we got married by the lake, my silver hair shining under the sun, your flower crown highlighting your beautiful face – our souls dancing in a non-existent place.

i was happy, you were too.

cutting my hair will ache this time,

as i’ll be cutting a part of me that, if only for a second, existed with you.

what is it with
the things which are eating our insides
that cannot be ignored
cannot be provoked
but is always persistent.
like a humid summer morning,
crippling sun behind thin nylon curtains –
warmth, and sweat and tangled dreams,
the ones that refuse to wake you up
that hold you inside
that keep you frightened.

Loop

I am infinitely looping

An endless journey of mistrust

A step forward, two going back.

I’m shrinking and growing and tearing apart

The ocean, the shore, the gunwale.

A deep, unlit place

Breathing.

I am hanging from the sky

Falling

Ending and beginning

Holding my breath

Suffocating

Until I rise again.