People may say that
Because my life is hard
And complicated
And kind of crazy really –

I needed someone.
To trust
To keep
To love
To give attention to

It could be anyone
And it would just be the same

But I didn’t want someone.
I didn’t want anyone –
I wanted you.

And your smile
And your brain
And your hair
And your eyes
And your thoughts
And your weird
And your smart
And your crazy
And your hands
And your eyebrows
And your accent
And your witty
And the way you say “sweater” and my heart melts
And your laugh
And your whining
And your hips
And your rants

And your heart.
And your attention.
And your love.

All
And
Everything
You.

_exhales_

Once, I said
“I’m not brave when it comes to losing people.”
And she answered
“Being okay with losing people is weird, it’s not brave. What you’re feeling, is being human.”

I wish I could be a bit less human right now.

Weird.

Brave.

Just

Not

Human

Like

This.

It’s your punishment, you know.
Missing you, remembering you – but only when I’m sad.
Nobody wants that. It’s kind of a fair punishment, I guess.
For both of us.

21, January, 2014
10, January, 2018

i don’t know how to shout

how much i miss you

without disturbing

your quiet –

christmas is over
and it’s fuckin cold outside –
i guess winter sucks more
when you run out of
heart-warmings

the things that are
so beautiful
it aches –
end up
aching
more than
their beauty

i am reading this book. it’s about two high school boys emailing each other without knowing who they are. it reminds me of her in a way that i’m scared to go through the end.

my chest hurts again.

a boy flies over europe
as many boys do –
clouds, and sunsets,
and mountains, and snow;
a boy flies over you.

—-

a boy flies over europe
he lands a bit below –
the sunset turns to darkness,
the mountains into woe.
it’s christmas, and the boy;
i guess he’s going home.

I just wanted to wake up next to you one day.
Open my eyes and see your hair flooding my pillow.
Press my face on your neck and hug you softly, while you return to consciousness.

I just wanted to share a morning coffee with you one day.
Lean on your kitchen counter, while I’m looking at your eyes regain their morning lights.

I just wanted to kiss you before you leave for work one day.
Walk aimlessly in the city until you finish, and wait eagerly for you to appear at the coffee shop on the corner.

I just wanted to share a walk with you one day.
Your hand wrapped in mine, to listen to you talk about all the things that fascinate you, and all the things that don’t.

I just wanted to kiss your eyelids and whisper to you wishes for the prettiest dreams one day.
Watch you drift to sleep, while holding my hand on the top of your stomach.

I just wanted a full day with you one day.
But then, maybe I would want more.
And I guess, maybe it’s better that after all, I got none.

and music and buses and people from the past.
I dream about people who were who they said they were and people who lied.
I dream about destruction and fire and pain.
I dreamed that I had a choice and I chose destruction.
I dream about love. I dream about affection.
I dream about caring and deeply understanding.
I dream that the world is mine and I choose what to make of it.

I dream about transforming. I dream about staying the same.

I dream about breaking and building, and breaking again.
I dream about people, and I dream about dreams.
It’s funny, because the dream is always the same.

(throwback continues, this one is from 2016. today it has added meaning, as things do.)